Accepting His Love And Grace
Have you ever had a pain that was so deep you didn’t feel like it could ever heal?
Have you ever felt like God abandoned you in the moment you needed Him the most? Have you ever lost something that was yours to protect, but you couldn’t stop the inevitable?
Have you ever longed for something, only to be given it for a minute and then it to be taken from you? Have you ever walked through a valley so dark you didn’t even recognise yourself ?
Have you ever felt hurt by God? Angry at God? Bitter towards God?
I have felt every one of these..
Jody and I were married in the spring of 1997, our hearts desire was to serve God and raise a family. We never thought the battle for a family would be so hard. After 6 months of trying for a baby and still no pregnancy, I went to the doctor and due to a few issues, the doctor said to me very plainly.. “You won’t be able to conceive”
I was devastated, 21 years old and told I could never have a baby. I was broken, I felt like I was no good to my husband if I couldn’t give him a child. But we both decided that God had put us together and no matter what, we loved each other and we would still serve God together. It was rough, because our hearts were broken and we did our best to trust that God knows best. We prayed and prayed for a baby. We just believed that God could give us a baby, despite the doctors.
September 2001 Jody and I were still praying for a baby and sometimes I felt that it would truly never happen. But one day, I didn’t feel right. I went to the pregnancy centre in town and sure enough, I was pregnant. We were beyond excited, we felt like God had worked a miracle in our lives. We had seen in the bible where he had done big things, but this was personal. We were overjoyed at the miracle that he had given to us. We were in camp meeting at our church and we were so excited that God had given us this miracle, we knew that we must give the child back to the Lord. So that night at church we dedicated our baby to the Lord. I was walking on cloud nine, we had come through so much and now it seemed that God had smiled on us. Saturday Morning, 29 September, 9 days after we had given our baby to the Lord. I woke up feeling a bit unwell, but didn’t know why, Jody went to work and I was with my mother and grandmother. I was sick all day cramping and throwing up, I knew in my heart what was happening but I didn’t want to really acknowledge it. My grandmother held my hand and cried as I wept knowing my baby was never going to be in my arms. I will never forget that moment with her. Jody had carpooled with his boss that morning and we’re working out of town, so he had no way of getting to me, but he ended up meeting us at the hospital later that day where they confirmed that our baby was gone.
~Shattered~Heart Broken~Hurt~Angry~Confused~Numb~Distant~
Never had I felt every emotion and absolutely nothing all at the same time. I was in shock, my body was shaking and sweating. I couldn’t believe that God would do something so cruel. Why did he give me a baby that He knew I wanted so much, and then snatch it away so quickly?
My numbness and hurt quickly turned to anger and before long bitterness. I was angry at God for taking MY baby, but somehow forgot I gave my baby to Him. I was angry at Jody for not being there during the day, yet He was hurting and I was too selfish to see it. I was angry at people because their words burned like fire as they would try to comfort me. I was angry at others that were holding their baby. I was angry at myself, because I was it’s only safety and my body had failed . I spiralled emotionally and I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Gods Grace was present and it was sufficient, but I wasn’t willing to accept it. He did care about me and loved me. He did know what was best for me. I needed to know and understand somethings about God. I needed to know that He loved me. I needed to understand that in the darkest time of my, He would be there. Even if I was not accepting his grace, He would still pour it out. I needed to know that sometimes God answers our prayer in a way we don’t understand. Gods ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. And this is how I would begin to understand Gods love for me in a way that I had never known before.
My baby AJ was due on April 18, 2002. A week later I found out that I was expecting again.. and a few months later my baby girl was placed in my arms. She was mine and God gave her to me knowing she was what I needed. God showed me that He loves me no matter how I had treated him or my feelings towards him. God shows me every day through my children that God is Love and that Love is deeper than any love that I could ever have on my own.
Today is a sad day for me as I remember the events of the day 21 years ago, but it’s also a day that I can remind myself of the goodness and faithfulness of God. He can be trusted, He knows what is best and his ways are far greater than mine!!
It took some time, but I realized that God grace was poured out on me and I had to learn to accept it and embrace the Love that he truly had for me.
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