Delighting In Sorrow

As we walk through this life we will face many heartaches, sorrows and pains, but we can still delight during these hard times.

When we are fully surrendered to the will of God we have no problem trusting that He will do everything for our good and no matter what comes our way, we will accept.

Do we face the moment of sorrow, happy and joyful? More than likely, no, but we can come out on the other side, joyful and thankful to the Lord. Let me tell you “My Story”.

Jody and I were married in the Spring of 1997 and we were young and had so many plans for our future together. Those plans included lots and lots of children. What we said was, “we want as many as God will give us” and God certainly tested our faith, our strength and our trust in Him.

When I didn’t get pregnant within the first year of marriage, I was miserable, even though I knew in my heart it was my fault, I wanted someone to blame. We prayed and begged God for a child, I would have friends that “planned” their own children around their lives and in my heart I had given my children to God and He wasn’t giving me any in return, so the blame towards my husband turned into blame towards God. He knows my hearts desire, he knows I put my children into his hands, yet He doesn’t give me a child. This didn’t make any sense to me. Without realizing it, I was putting God into a box, I thought I was allowing God to be free in my life, but I had boxed him in to a time frame, and into my way. Because of my attitude towards Jody and towards God it caused me to become angry and bitter. After two years of still no children, I went to the doctor and found out it was in fact me, I developed cysts instead of eggs and the doctor told me that I wouldn’t be able to conceive. How awful, I had to go home and tell my husband this horrible news, knowing that he wanted children as much as I did. Would this destroy us? Our marriage was barely holding on as it was, would this be the end of us?

Jody and I did draw further apart over the next few years and our home was ready to fall apart, our “plans” we’re no longer in view and we were sitting on the sidelines in our Christian walk with the Lord, Jody had quit preaching and we were barely going to church.

In Septmeber 2000 I found out I was expecting. What?? Yes, I was going to have a baby. It is a miracle, God had shown mercy on me and given me this precious life inside of me. We were so excited, we felt like God had shown us mercy, we knew we weren’t right with God, yet He chose to bless us with this child we had longed for, for so long. We were thrilled, our church was in revival and we told the church our news and dedicated our baby to the Lord. We were on top of the world!! But suddenly that excitement and great victory turned to sadness, more anger and more bitterness, because 10 days after finding out we were expecting, our precious baby died. The physical labor was awful and the emotional trauma that we went through was worse than longing for a child. Now I felt as though I had been teased by God. Jody and I thought we had hit rock bottom, but this was a far worse pain than anything we had ever felt. We were so far apart and had little care or concern for each other. He had done nothing to deserve my feelings, but I blamed him for everything. But God was using this time in my life to draw me closer to Him. 7 months later, I was expecting again, this time I was cautious, I didn’t give my baby to the Lord in the womb, I was afraid he would take it. (How silly of me)

But as soon as our little Autumn was born, we knew the Lord had given us a great blessing.

One night while holding her in my arms I looked into her perfect little face and the Lord spoke to me and said, “I do know what is best for you, what if I had given you the choice back in September to keep the child in your womb, or give that one to me and I’ll give you another child” I know I would have chosen that first baby, but God in his mercy didn’t give me that choice. He has given me exactly what I needed and in that moment all my anger and bitterness faded away. I had accepted the miscarriage and actually became thankful for it. God gave me a ministry and a child. God restored our home, marriage and ministry all within the next two years. It has been 15 years since our miscarriage and almost 13 since the birth of our oldest child. God has been good to us, Jody and I are more in love than we have ever been, we are closer than we have ever been and we have 3 beautiful children here and 2 precious babies in heaven.

What more could I ask for, He knew what we needed and gave us exactly that.. His love and mercy!! I don’t deserve anything, but he has filled our home with love and joy, even through the sorrows of life, we have found joy! Psalms 30:5b….”weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”